Yep, another post about my depression. I've had a rough couple of months dealing with it. I switched medicines last June. I loved the new medication Cymbalta. I felt great, was dealing with life great and most of all enjoying my life. The one nasty side effect that I had with it was that it raised my blood pressure - to dangerous levels! So Walter and I talked it over with the Dr. and at first we decided to go back on my old medication - it was working - it's just the sexual side effects sucked - as in never wanting to have it. But we decided that we could handle my lack of desire for sex and switch back. That was awful. My poor kids and husband. I was anxious, irritable and just down right a bear to be around. Not good with 2 little ones who don't understand what is going on. So back to the Cymbalta and a blood pressure medicine. I do have to say that both seem to be working. Except when you forget to take them. I find that if I miss a day (which I tend to do because I'm feeling so great and don't think about it) I will have horrible headaches and great irritability. Today was one of those days. As I loaded my kids in the car to go to the park today I just finally had to tell Ben that he needed to listen to Momma because I had a bad headache and if he did what I tell him it makes my headache better - ok, probably not the best parenting thing to do, but it worked. He warmed my heart though asking if we should go to the Dr to make my head better. If it only was that easy.

I worry about how my depression effects Ben and Becca. Since I'm dealing with it and aware of it does that make it better than never admitting it and suffering with it? I pray that my kids will remember the good days, not that days where I had to adjust my medication or forgot to take it. I pray that they remember that Momma did have depression but we had it out in the open, it was something hidden or ashamed of. I hope they see that I'm trying to be better and self aware so that they don't have to wonder what was the problem with mommy.

It always seems like I'm writing about MOPS or my depression. Today the topic is MOPS.

The whole "mediation" process we have been doing since the beginning of May seems to almost be done. I had a few meetings with Sigi and one with Carla. The meeting with Carla did not go well and was very hard. I really just wanted to quit. It's just too much. But as I kept praying for the Lord to release me from this whole thing, the release would never come. So I had more conversations and more meetings. This whole thing has taken up so much of my time and energy it's exhausting.

So it comes time to see if I want to be involved. I really do if things are different. If certain people are not in certain leadership positions. I will be coordinator. I would love to do it, but I really need to keep praying that my heart is not doing it for selfish reasons, that I'm doing it because the Lord wants me to. If I am coordinator that puts us back into being a two ministry family again. Can we handle that? While lots of things have changed and Walter and I have grown, there is still the whole thing of being involved in so many things. There is also the question of me going and getting another job. Working from home just isn't for me. I'm finding that I'm not disciplined enough. There are a million other things that I want to do besides work - even if it's working from home. We could really use the money if I worked. It would just help us get ahead, but there is also the side that says being with my kids is most important. So we have to decide if I will continue to stay home and during that time help lead MOPS. It will be with much prayer that we decide.

My mom called me today to give me some interesting news. She said that my dad has finally admitted that he is an alcoholic and is going through the detox part this weekend. The Doctor told him that the worst part would be the first 5 days, after that a lot of the symptoms will ease.

It's funny because I've known since Jr high that my dad had a drinking problem. That is one of the main reasons I do not have more than one "adult" beverage at a time. I know that I'm one step away from making that choice. Walter and I have prayed for my dad many, many times. We pray that alcohol would become disgusting to him, we've prayed that someone would come into his life and show him his need. The sad truth is that I haven't prayed for this in a long time. I had just given up hope that things would ever change, but today I have found that hope again. I have to believe that the Lord still cares and that he still hears my prayers.

I remember a time when I was a freshman in high school. My mom told me that she was going to leave unless my dad quit drinking. He quit for a few days but went right back to drinking. I remember thinking that my dad didn't love us enough to stop drinking. Mom didn't leave and dad continued his habit of zoning out each night.

Dad was never a mean drunk, he never abused us physically, he just wasn't "there" for us. Forget having a meaningful conversation with him after 7:30 at night.

At the age of 34, I'm now looking forward to getting to know my dad. I don't feel I really have ever gotten that chance, the cloud of alcohol has always been in the way. I pray that he is strong enough to ask for help and to seek it if he needs to. I pray that he will come face to face with himself and realize that he is a wonderful person.

I'm so excited about the possibility that my children will now know their Grandfather. With Walter's parents having passed away, my parents are the only grandparents that they will know this side of heaven. Won't it be wonderful to have the presence of their grandfather in their life, not the shell of the man that I grew up knowing. Hopefully my kids will grow up knowing that their grandfather loves them more than he loves the bottle of booze and that memories of their time spent together will be remembered by both of them.

As I cry for the high school girl who couldn't understand that it wasn't about love, it was about a outside force controlling her dad, as I cry for all the family get togethers that have been ruined by alcohol, as I cry for my brother and sister who are heading down the same path as my father, but think that they have it under control - I cry out of sorrow for all the losses. But I also cry for joy that my dad took this major step, not only admitting to my mom, but his doctors as well. I can say that I'm proud of him....so very proud.

And although I might not be able to tell you this face to face, Dad, until we are able to share a visit - I love you and I'm proud of you and thank you for taking steps to change. Thank you from Walter, me and the kids.

I hate depression!

Today has been one of the worst days I've had in a long time. I think it all started on Saturday. I started having little panic attacks. I think it may be caused with the lack of 'normal' lately and also that I have so much stuff to do.

Depression is such a cycle. I'm depressed so I don't want to do anything, so then I don't want to do anything because it's so much effort and I'm depressed and then I'm just depressed because nothing is done but to do something, anything would require effort. Thank goodness this doesn't happen very often and I'm so thankful that I know the signs.

I'm also disappointed in how a few of my friendships are going. It seems like I'm always an outcast, just on the fringes of groups. I feel so often that I'm just a pest to people. Hopefully this is just the depression speaking and that I can fight it off.

I also know that part of the depression is a spiritual battle. Today Satan (aka The Great Accuser) has really been hammering me. I have felt a little worthless, like a bad mommy, wife, etc. I keep remembering stupid things that I've done in the past. Urrrghhh! Just drives me crazy.

Thankfully I have a husband who loves me and balances me out. Unfortunately he's not home tonight so I don't have that balance, but I know it will be better.

I had probably one of the best visits with my mom this past week. I guess I finally feel comfortable with who I am, who my family is (Walter and the kids) and I don't need her approval quite as much as I used to. It has been kind of cool to become a peer with my mom. It's also wonderful to she her as a grandma. She is the coolest Grandma I know. She's young so she can do things, she's helpful, and she just loves being with her grandkids. She also knows to let me be Mom to Ben and Becca and that although she might not agree, she respects what we are doing. She doesn't always do that with my sister and nephew.

I was a lazy bum this week and didn't get to the gym. Monday is a new day and hopefully Becca will stay healthy and all week I can go. I really love doing our "circuit training", but I hate cardio! I keep going and the whole time while I'm on the treadmill or bike that I'm moving more than if I would be sitting at home. I challenge myself to go just a little bit further. I really want to do the 5K in July. Hopefully I can reach that goal and do it.

MOPS Bitches....

What a awfully un-Christian title. But you know, that is exactly how I feel. They are taking something that should be good and making it to be about themselves. What makes me so sad is how my attitude is so poor about it. I'm thinking that maybe I need to take a step back so that I don't have anger or bitterness about Carla and Crystal.

I wonder what exactly is going to happen. How sad is it that 4 or 5 members of the church are walking away from something because of poor leadership. I think poor leadership is happening because they lack spiritual depth, one doesn't go to church on a regular basis and the other one doesn't want things about Christ shared because then her friends might actually know what she believes. Being in ministry isn't some place where a person should hide what they believe.

I guess I need to just leave it all at the feet of God. I think he wants me out of the way so that he can fix it, not so that I can pridefully say "I told you so" or "See, I knew that's what needed to be done"

Tomorrow R & J (our ex-pastor and wife) are moving from the big 'Ville. It's very sad and I feel like there are so many unresolved things surrounding this whole big ugly situation. I have a sinking feeling that R & T (the other woman) are going to run off together. I asked Walter tonight how long it's going to take before we heal from this huge affair/betrayal/loss of friendship/loss of pastor/etc? It's been a year since the affair started and it is still something that comes to our thoughts and discussions so often. I guess it's because all of our lives were so wrapped up in each others. I just want to cry. You would think that as time goes on it would ease, but with this weekend being a ending in a way it's just so sad. Whoever thought that our once-beloved pastor would sneak off into the night out of town - unrepentant and so far from God?